I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
