She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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