i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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