I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
