Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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