Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
