They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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