Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
