Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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