i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
