im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
