Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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