Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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