I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
