Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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