i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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