I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
