there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
FUCK WHALES
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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