yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wanna bring you to show and tell
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Vodka?
Forever.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
