I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
