At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
