i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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