you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize