You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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