He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
