Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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