the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
