so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
