I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
