You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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