I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's rum buckets o'clock
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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