I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
