If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
