He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
