If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
