she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
