Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize