i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize