And the cops told us we were all naked.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
