I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
