Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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