I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
