I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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