im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
