Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
did you just send me my own nude
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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