I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
