no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
