I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
