You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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