...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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