I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
