I just saw a hot homeless man
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
