Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize